Updated: Nov 19, 2019
Today I ate a pancake for second breakfast, took a breath and sat down to write. I had to write because of the feeling that was overcoming my entire being. It could have been the chill playlist in the background, the sight of melting snow or just the relaxed morning, but it was more real than anything in my mind. I had just glanced over at my youngest playing on the coach and was taken by intoxicating love. In his eyes, I see the whole world. In his mind, I see the unknown and I am in blissful anticipation for what will come of his creations, and how they will continue to mark this world with his unique signature. In the past, I may have eaten another pancake and allowed the feeling of undeserving self loathing take over. But today, I let go of fear and allowed the moment to do its magic. I stopped eating and sat... bathed in the generous present moment.
To me this is true generosity. The ability to see another human in their truth and send them love with ease and without needing anything in return. When we are in a state of undeserving we may not even notice it flowing towards us and would block it from moving through us to another due to our perceived feelings of need. It requires presence to give and to receive this form of open flow. It is impossible to give without simultaneously receiving. It is not one and then the other. It is both at the same time.
I am not saying that saying yes to every request is manageable or kind. In fact, I feel we often say yes when we want to say no and that is the very instant the flow stops. Honour yourself and practice listening to what aligns with you and saying no to what doesn't. This definitely has a learning curve but the sooner you are honest with yourself and others, the sooner you will feel back in alignment with the flow.
The tug and pull of giving and receiving is a an act of effort and not an authentic exchange even though the intention is often kind and well intended. True generosity has no limit when the source is honoured. It gives as much as it takes….but the greatest magic is the abundance that remains following the genuine and effortless release of giving. The space left behind is filled with unexplainable bounty. It is a space of expansion, a shift that allows for more of something that cannot be held in the mind long enough to explain as it is quickly captured by the heart for fuel to grow. This is how I feel today about being a momma. This is not how I have always felt and believe me there are still days that fool me into thinking I am burdened or have a heavy load.
When we give because we have been told that we "should" to be a good human, we are chasing an end goal of promised goodness that never comes.
When we give because we want acknowledgement, that's a sinking ship and we all secretly know it makes us feel like we have climbed another wrung up the invisible ladder of value as a human and yet it only builds another layer that will eventually need to be stripped away.
When we give to get love, we usually find out the well is dry or will dry up eventually and we will be left feeling resentful and emptier for selling ourselves out.
Giving is an action; a verb. Generosity is an adjective describing a state of effortless surrender.
As an experiment, think of a moment of when you moved through the pondering experience (and let's be honest, a judgment) before giving and another moment when you where simply taken by the honesty of letting go of something and instantly gifted with an unexplainable fullness. The second is often accompanied with bliss or love or lightness because it comes from a never ending well of prosperity or some other descriptor that suits you and the first usually adds a layer to your identity because it was something you "did", sacrificed or gave away. One feeds the ego and the other feeds the soul.
When my focus was obsessively stuck in my "not-enoughtness", I was in a constant state of lack. When I felt I wasn't enough to receive this kind of bliss, these moments were unavailable to me most of the time. Or so I thought. I am now a better mom and human because of the healing journey of letting go and the generosity of living more in the present. We all deserve these moments of being present and they have nothing to do with changing who we are and everything to do with letting go of the negative self-talk and the desire to be someone or somewhere other than here.
I am going to tell you what I wish someone would have told me years ago. You are divinely loved my friend. Not because of what you do, who you please, what you call yourself, what education or title you hold, who you say yes to or what you build. You are divinely loved because underneath all of it, love is who you actually are. The other stuff will only feel good if we allow for true generosity to be present in our lives.
It is fine art to create in this world while still being deeply grounded with truth. Regardless of our creation, may it be a home, a family, a relationship, a business, a community, wealth and or a soul inspired life, we will get tripped up, doubt ourselves and others and forget why we came here. Which in my humble opinion is to overcome our fears that keep us from loving ourselves, each other and the essence that keeps our fire burning.
Here is a gift that feels true for me today: the thoughts, the” to do’s” and “to be’s” will always be available if I want them later but this moment will never be again.
Opening myself up one day at a time and being kind when I trip because I most definitely will- until I don't.
P.S I totally see you for you